Friday, August 22, 2008

Mixed "Emotions"

Well this past week I had my first set of classes that started on Wednesday. I love my schedule, my professors seem great, but that's not what this post is about. Ever since Sunday even up until today and a few days to follow, it seems as if nothin but "bad" stuff is happenin and goin on in my close friends' lives. However, lately in my own life....everything's been goin rather smoothly and "great" really. So, should I be bummed about what's goin on in my friends' lives or overly joyed for what's goin on in mine? Can I be both at once? Or is this a cruel sign that I'm next for somethin to be goin "wrong" in my own life? I know life gets rough, but it seems like i've been hearin nothin but the rough side lately from the ones I love (outside of my fam of course) I know everything will work itself out in the end, but I kind of wish that the good endin is now, but that's not gonna happen :/ I guess all I can do is pray. And I've honestly have been doing a lousy job of even just that. I don't even know how God and I are right now, I need to get on that....that's a post for another time I guess lol

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Back Home

Well I'm back home now, and man do I feel out of place! The last week in DC and I was kind of dying to go home (mainly just to sleep in my own bed lol) but now that I'm home, that's not really what I wanted. I don't know what I want. I had this odd empty feeling, and I thought that would have been filled by coming back home, but it hasn't. It's still there, just looming. At church today, I felt out of place. I was surprised by all the people who said they missed me. That's funny because I don't seem to recall a time when some of them ever uttered any words to me>>>there's no way they could have missed me, that's bull. They're really full of it. I know who really missed me>>>the people I had phone conversations with or talked to over the internet every now and then. The ones who said don't hesitate to call if you ever need anything, that's who missed me. But anyways, I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. Is that even possible? Everyone belongs somewhere, right? I guess I'm still trying to discover my proper niche in life--maybe I don't have one, per say, maybe I have a whole bunch. Nothing feels right anymore like it used to, I feel like I'm walking around in this deep, dark never ending closet feeling around for whatever I come across and I just go with it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be home, glad to be sleeping in my OWN bed lol, but I just don't feel like I belong here. I feel like a little kid who has outgrown all of her favorite clothes and there's no way she can go back to wearing them. I feel like I'm searching for something that I won't know what it is until I find it. I'm back home, but I don't feel home.